Sunday 27th February 2005
This is the story about the first time I nearly got arrested for taking a photograph. Seriously.
Now, there is undoubtedly a very large mall at KoP and, as far as I have been able to ascertain, that's all there is there. Being at the junction of the US202, I-76 and 476, KoP is the Mall, a big road-junction-clusterfuck, a couple of lesser strip malls, the usual restaurant chain franchise joints, and three thousand mattress outlet stores. Nothing more, nothing less. One of the things that fascinates me about the USA is the number of places you can buy a mattress. Every other building is a Mattress Giant, Mattress Warehouse , Sit'n' Sleep, or some other Mattress-up-my-Ass superstore. There's even one called The Organic Mattress Store, whatever the hell an organic mattress is?! I could easily find out I guess, by logging on to their website but, I can't be arsed because I HAVE A LIFE!* What is it with Americans and their mattress fetish?
King of Prussia It is really, really huge and just the ticket if you like that kind of thing, that is. It would take at least a day to walk all round the place. I settled for taking a few pictures of the place instead.
Now, there is undoubtedly a very large mall at KoP and, as far as I have been able to ascertain, that's all there is there. Being at the junction of the US202, I-76 and 476, KoP is the Mall, a big road-junction-clusterfuck, a couple of lesser strip malls, the usual restaurant chain franchise joints, and three thousand mattress outlet stores. Nothing more, nothing less. One of the things that fascinates me about the USA is the number of places you can buy a mattress. Every other building is a Mattress Giant, Mattress Warehouse , Sit'n' Sleep, or some other Mattress-up-my-Ass superstore. There's even one called The Organic Mattress Store, whatever the hell an organic mattress is?! I could easily find out I guess, by logging on to their website but, I can't be arsed because I HAVE A LIFE!* What is it with Americans and their mattress fetish?
King of Prussia It is really, really huge and just the ticket if you like that kind of thing, that is. It would take at least a day to walk all round the place. I settled for taking a few pictures of the place instead.
The King of Prussia mall
I'll be honest, I'm not a shopping mall type. I am more of a dingy backstreet book and record shop boy. Nevertheless, I elected to take a picture of the KoP mall to show the kids. Harmless enough, you would have thought. So, I parked in the lot, whipped out my camera, took half a dozen pictures and drove off again. As I was heading out of the place, I noticed the big sign (below), and being the photo-fascist that I am, I pulled into the lower parking lot to snap a pic of the sign, before heading back to my hotel for a well-earned nap.
Of course, what I hadn't seen was the two cop cars watching me...
Of course, what I hadn't seen was the two cop cars watching me...
The First Time I Nearly Got Arrested
Who'd a thunk that this photograph could cause so much trouble?
As I got back on the 202 and pointed the Impala towards home, all hell let loose. Flashing lights, sirens, and two huge Police SUVs were bearing down on my tail. I could have pulled an OJ but, at that point, I had no idea what I'd done. Had I run a red light? I didn't know.
I pulled over at the first place I could find. Of course, it was a bloody Mattress Giant.
It was then, as the cop accompanied by a K9 officer walked up to my car and pulled out his nightstick, and another went to cover his gun, that it was explained to me, rather forcefully, that in this country, you didn't get out of your car when you get pulled over by the Dibble, until told to do so.
Now, bear in mind that this was my first day in the country. This was a hire car and it had New Jersey plates.
As I got back on the 202 and pointed the Impala towards home, all hell let loose. Flashing lights, sirens, and two huge Police SUVs were bearing down on my tail. I could have pulled an OJ but, at that point, I had no idea what I'd done. Had I run a red light? I didn't know.
I pulled over at the first place I could find. Of course, it was a bloody Mattress Giant.
It was then, as the cop accompanied by a K9 officer walked up to my car and pulled out his nightstick, and another went to cover his gun, that it was explained to me, rather forcefully, that in this country, you didn't get out of your car when you get pulled over by the Dibble, until told to do so.
Now, bear in mind that this was my first day in the country. This was a hire car and it had New Jersey plates.
Call Me SugarTrunk
I presented my UK driving license, hire car docs, explained who I was and what I was doing in the country, and that I only arrived the day before. With a German Shepherd snarling at my car door, looking as if he was about ready for a little snack, and a decidedly trigger-happy copper standing there watching to see if I went for a gun stashed under the seat, one of them went and ran my details. I still had no idea why I'd been pulled over. I sat very still, not even reaching for my coffee, worried that if I even twitched they would beat me to a bloody pulp, or even blow my Limey head off.
After what seemed like a lifetime, the good cop came back and handed me my driving license and asked me to please step out of the vehicle. Not as easy as it sounds in an unfamiliar American car... I must have looked like a real dick as I didn't realise the doors locked themselves...
I eventually overcame the security issue and, keeping my hands in plain view, palms facing outwards, got out of the car.
Could I open the what? Oh, you mean the boot?
Apparently not.
After some delay, I realised that it was a funny button on the key fob... I opened the trunk, eventually. Of course, all of my perceived incompetence was 100% innocent but, to them, I guess, it could have appeared that I was stalling for time so that I could Unleash Hell on South Eastern Pennsylvania.
After what seemed like a lifetime, the good cop came back and handed me my driving license and asked me to please step out of the vehicle. Not as easy as it sounds in an unfamiliar American car... I must have looked like a real dick as I didn't realise the doors locked themselves...
I eventually overcame the security issue and, keeping my hands in plain view, palms facing outwards, got out of the car.
Could I open the what? Oh, you mean the boot?
Apparently not.
After some delay, I realised that it was a funny button on the key fob... I opened the trunk, eventually. Of course, all of my perceived incompetence was 100% innocent but, to them, I guess, it could have appeared that I was stalling for time so that I could Unleash Hell on South Eastern Pennsylvania.
As the trunk popped open, I regarded the bemused expressions on the faces of the two cops, as they could clearly see that the boot was not filled with Uzi's, C4 and Ted Nugent grade armour piercing weaponry. No, all it contained was a half-eaten box of Krispy Kreme donuts! I'm pretty sure that I did little for Anglo-American relations that day. It probably confirmed all their suspicions that Brits are either evil, despotic madmen, or just crazy, especially as I asked them if they'd each like a donut. It was about the only thing I could think of to say!
But, the clincher must have been when I failed to understand their next question: Why was I taking photographs?
Er, pardon? I didn't realise it was against the law to take photographs in public. I'm very sorry. Didn't mean to break any federal, or state law... I've only been here less than 24 hours.
But, the clincher must have been when I failed to understand their next question: Why was I taking photographs?
Er, pardon? I didn't realise it was against the law to take photographs in public. I'm very sorry. Didn't mean to break any federal, or state law... I've only been here less than 24 hours.
They proceeded to explain that I was taking photographs of the shopping mall... I was still confused. Then, the penny dropped. They thought I was a goddamned terrorist scouting locations to blow up! If it wasn't bad enough that I'd been hassled at customs, who were convinced I had been trying to smuggle fruit and vegetables into the country (I never did find out what it was they thought I was carrying that looked like either fruit or veg?!) now they had me down as a member of Al Qaeda.
I tried to reclaim some dignity and explained that I was taking pictures of the huge shopping mall to show my daughters. Being that I only had a box of donuts and a camera with me, they had no real choice but to believe me, probably more out of pity than anything else. Besides, no one would come up with an excuse that lame unless it was true.
They let me go and I could see them yucking it up and shaking their heads in dismay at the crazy English guy with the trunk full of donuts who takes pictures of shopping malls. I could imagine the stories they would be telling back at the station house. If this was day one, would I survive to day 26?
Click here for the next bit
I tried to reclaim some dignity and explained that I was taking pictures of the huge shopping mall to show my daughters. Being that I only had a box of donuts and a camera with me, they had no real choice but to believe me, probably more out of pity than anything else. Besides, no one would come up with an excuse that lame unless it was true.
They let me go and I could see them yucking it up and shaking their heads in dismay at the crazy English guy with the trunk full of donuts who takes pictures of shopping malls. I could imagine the stories they would be telling back at the station house. If this was day one, would I survive to day 26?
Click here for the next bit