Now before you all start thinking that I am spending their money. Nah ah! It is mine.
I don't have an overdraft, I don't want an overdraft because (and I freely admit that) I cannot be trusted with money. I spend it. I like spending it. If I don't have an overdraft or any of B.L.'s plastic, I can't spend what I don't have. It makes sense. So, what goes in to my current account pays for food, bills, petrol and so on. The bank don't like this arrangement. The jumped up little jackass I talked to (OK, snarled at) had the audacity to tell me that they don't rank customers based on how much money goes through their account. Pardon me if I consider that to be execrable bollocks.
One day, I shall win the lottery, get on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, or finish my novel and sell it for a fortune. On the day I get that big old cheque, I shall take it into my bank, show it to them and inform them that they will never see any of it. I shall probably use somewhat more colourful language than that, and there will probably be a certain amount of unambiguous sign language, but that day will come.
In the meantime, I get to write letters like the one here. I'm sure it does me no favours and somewhere there is a huge file containing all the snotty letters I've ever written over the years, but Hell, it's great fun!
Customer Credit Services
Re 2 x £28.00 charges imposed on my account on 10/10/00
As I look at my latest statement, sheet 071, I can only assume that you are in need of a new cape and mask to allow you to continue your career as a Highwayman.
I realise I have levelled these accusations at you before but, now I am convinced of your dual role in society. Perhaps you are in some way a distant relation of that rebel from days of yore, Mr Dick Turpin? Mayhaps, you are related to that modern day highwayman, our beloved Bundeskanzler, Gordon Brown? Certainly, the spirit lives on in your bloodline, of that I am sure.
But to what, I hear you mutter, does this deranged, yet exceedingly witty writer, refer?
Indeed, Sir, I do refer to the brace of £28 charges levied upon my account, by yourselves, on 10/10/00, which you have neither provided explanation of, nor justification for, such extortive measures.
There is one other charge of £10 dated 19/10/00 for which I have received an explanation, although I cannot actually see why this has been returned unpaid as it is for a lesser amount than the balance on the day it was levied.
As I have stated before, in a previous complaint to you, I know that hitting a key on the keyboard does not incur a cost of £28 even if it does initiate the printing of a utility/form letter. Furthermore, since no-one has informed me of the £56 charges, my balance is £56 less than I thought it was. This could well have wreaked havoc with outgoings from my account, causing further £28 keypresses of which I have no cognisance.
Also, I notice that whilst I am not allowed to go overdrawn, with DD, cheques, etc, it would appear that you can levy your charges and cause me to go overdrawn. You can't have it both ways, I either have an overdraft or I don't, please make up your mind.
As things stand, my having an account with yourselves is of little or no benefit to me and certainly DD instructions are costing me substantially more than the amount of the instruction itself.
It would appear that one DD of £27.27 has cost me £66 in charges and still not been paid. Is this correct? Does this not seem a little excessive, even to a gangster such as yourself? Surely the vig on such a sum from a moneylender of dubious parentage, and even more dubious methods of collection than HSBC, would be less than your percentage?
Unless my account can be redefined so that my DDs are not routinely rejected, and excessive charges made without my knowledge, then I shall be forced to cancel all of my instructions and merely use you as a paycheque encashment facility.