Wednesday 6th August 2003 - San Antonio TX
The one thing you notice more than anything, driving through Texas, is that a vast lot of absolute nothingness separates everywhere. Somewhere is a long way from Anywhere and in between is Nowhere - and Nowhere is an awfully big place.
Mind you, the Texicans have generously given the visitor things to keep their interest alive as they pound the interminable miles between beer stops; wondering what Dubya is talking about, for example. Then there is trying to figure out why Emmitt Smith went to the Arizona Cardinals, Bill Parcells came to Dallas, or who is who when the Houston Texans play the Tennessee Titans (née Houston Oilers). Of course, we shouldn't forget that the 1960-62 Dallas Texans moved to Kansas City to become the Chiefs, or that the current Dallas Texans is a soccer team... It's all right, I'll wait for your head to stop imploding...
My favourite Texas pastime is mullet spotting. Texas is the last bastion of the most tragic haircut, ever; the mullet*. The rest of the world realised their ghastly mistake ten years ago and banished the unfortunate hairstyle but, deep in the heart of Texas, it is alive and well and sported proudly by people so inbred that their family tree is a stump.
2010
Actually, not so. As I learned in 2009, Mullets are also alive and well, and seemingly breeding, in Munich, Germany.
Mind you, the Texicans have generously given the visitor things to keep their interest alive as they pound the interminable miles between beer stops; wondering what Dubya is talking about, for example. Then there is trying to figure out why Emmitt Smith went to the Arizona Cardinals, Bill Parcells came to Dallas, or who is who when the Houston Texans play the Tennessee Titans (née Houston Oilers). Of course, we shouldn't forget that the 1960-62 Dallas Texans moved to Kansas City to become the Chiefs, or that the current Dallas Texans is a soccer team... It's all right, I'll wait for your head to stop imploding...
My favourite Texas pastime is mullet spotting. Texas is the last bastion of the most tragic haircut, ever; the mullet*. The rest of the world realised their ghastly mistake ten years ago and banished the unfortunate hairstyle but, deep in the heart of Texas, it is alive and well and sported proudly by people so inbred that their family tree is a stump.
2010
Actually, not so. As I learned in 2009, Mullets are also alive and well, and seemingly breeding, in Munich, Germany.
Drive Friendly
Only in Texas could there be a road sign saying 'Drive Friendly'. I really wanted it to say 'Y'all' but there you go, you can't have everything.
What the Hell does 'Drive Friendly' mean? Are there signs further down the freeway that say: 'OK, son, you done been a good cracker, now Drive Angry!'? I suspect not. I suspect that driving friendly involves not shooting guns at things, not using your pickup as a weapon and not leaving the highway littered with your roadkill. Besides, you can scrape the twitching critters off the asphalt, take them home, break out old Propane Elaine (the clean-burning alternative to solid fuel) and put the heat to the meat. Then you can invite all of your redneck, mullet-headed cracker-asshole friends around to your trailer, share your wife and sister with them (for you are a one-woman man) and marvel at the miracle of childbirth, as you watch your inbred, one-eyed, melon-headed, cracker spawn, running around naked, playing underneath the broken-down pickup, which has stood on bricks outside your trailer since Daddy died of a bizarre congenital defect some years ago, but you can't say how many because you never finished school, on account Momma needed you to be the man of the trailer...
Whoa! I got a bit carried away there... Well, at least it's Texas, not Tennessee...
Only in Texas could there be a road sign saying 'Drive Friendly'. I really wanted it to say 'Y'all' but there you go, you can't have everything.
What the Hell does 'Drive Friendly' mean? Are there signs further down the freeway that say: 'OK, son, you done been a good cracker, now Drive Angry!'? I suspect not. I suspect that driving friendly involves not shooting guns at things, not using your pickup as a weapon and not leaving the highway littered with your roadkill. Besides, you can scrape the twitching critters off the asphalt, take them home, break out old Propane Elaine (the clean-burning alternative to solid fuel) and put the heat to the meat. Then you can invite all of your redneck, mullet-headed cracker-asshole friends around to your trailer, share your wife and sister with them (for you are a one-woman man) and marvel at the miracle of childbirth, as you watch your inbred, one-eyed, melon-headed, cracker spawn, running around naked, playing underneath the broken-down pickup, which has stood on bricks outside your trailer since Daddy died of a bizarre congenital defect some years ago, but you can't say how many because you never finished school, on account Momma needed you to be the man of the trailer...
Whoa! I got a bit carried away there... Well, at least it's Texas, not Tennessee...
Davey's van was falling apart. The AC was cabbaged and as he gassed up, he discovered that none was going in the tank. The van had, unbeknownst, developed a problem. A suspected collision from a piece of tyre debris on the road had split the hose from the fuel filler cap to the tank, preventing gassing up. An hour sat in the shadeless heat of an auto spares store, being stalked by a randy pitbull with designs on Greg's little pooch, saw us fixed up but still AC less.
We made it to San Antonio around 6PM and my first impression was similar to what I had felt seeing El Paso: Why bother? Why did people fight over this and why did they want to die for this?
We made it to San Antonio around 6PM and my first impression was similar to what I had felt seeing El Paso: Why bother? Why did people fight over this and why did they want to die for this?
Finally arriving in San Antonio TX
Sam's Burgers
San Antonio may have been totally underwhelming but Sam's Burger Joint, well, that is an experience like no other. The Street Brats were already there, having not had our breakdowns to contend with. It turned out that they'd done something eminently more sensible; they had left the trailer park party, gone to Tucson, slept the day away in air-conditioned coolth and driven through the night to San Antonio. They're from Chicago, you know.
How do you describe Sam's? Oh, definitely one of my favourite places in the world, I'd say.
As it says on their website www.samsburgerjoint.com its the place where everyone goes and so it proved to be. Side-by-side in the place were cops, bikers, punks, goths, rockers; you name it, they were represented in Sam's. I even spotted a couple of really wicked mullets in there, too. I mean, we're talking professional wrestler quality mullets, not just a common or garden Mr Timewarp mullet. At Sam's, everyone was cool and the place has a wonderful atmos. A great eaterie and a superb place to hang out and listen to some good music.
The first order of the day was something cold and beerlike to drink; beer, would be a good choice, especially as the first few were free! Then came food, which was also free, seeing as how we were one of the bands. I went with a bacon cheddar, shown here on the right.
Now, to give you an idea of the size of this monster burger, the drink in the picture is a pint of Lone Star and the plate is a beer tray! We are talking generous portions. And get this, if I'd had to pay for this, it would have only cost $5.50 for the biggest burger on the planet. Eat one of these and you will never, ever, venture across the threshold of a mainstreet, franchise choke 'n' puke again.
How do you describe Sam's? Oh, definitely one of my favourite places in the world, I'd say.
As it says on their website www.samsburgerjoint.com its the place where everyone goes and so it proved to be. Side-by-side in the place were cops, bikers, punks, goths, rockers; you name it, they were represented in Sam's. I even spotted a couple of really wicked mullets in there, too. I mean, we're talking professional wrestler quality mullets, not just a common or garden Mr Timewarp mullet. At Sam's, everyone was cool and the place has a wonderful atmos. A great eaterie and a superb place to hang out and listen to some good music.
The first order of the day was something cold and beerlike to drink; beer, would be a good choice, especially as the first few were free! Then came food, which was also free, seeing as how we were one of the bands. I went with a bacon cheddar, shown here on the right.
Now, to give you an idea of the size of this monster burger, the drink in the picture is a pint of Lone Star and the plate is a beer tray! We are talking generous portions. And get this, if I'd had to pay for this, it would have only cost $5.50 for the biggest burger on the planet. Eat one of these and you will never, ever, venture across the threshold of a mainstreet, franchise choke 'n' puke again.
Davey Tilt
The other cool thing about Sam's is the live music aspect. The main room has the live bands and stuff but the bar area features a regular Open Mic session where you can go along and do your thing.
My main man Davey, a thrill-seeking, media-whore, glamour-boy, attention-junkie, spotlight kid, strutted up to the mic, callously forcing his way through the gathering crowd of admirers and groupies, knocking food and drinks flying in his wake. The act that was due up next were taking their spots on the makeshift stage but Davey Tilt, high on greasepaint and Premium gasoline, jacked up on salsa and buzzing from the Jalapenos he'd swallowed minutes earlier was in no mood for a discussion. He commandeered a guitar and amde some young girls cry before launching into his first song.
I can't remember what his first song was, but it was good. No, it was his second song of the night was the crowd-pleaser. Yes, Davey Tilt's rendition of the Cher classic 'Believe' had the audience weeping in the aisles, tearing off their underwear and prostrating themselves before his greatness. No-one even heard the third song of the set, so loud was the screaming, which persisted for hours, long after Davey had left the stage, dragging a coach party of convent school girls off to perform degrading sex acts and satisfy his lustful, perverted, sexual needs.
Or, at least, that's how I remember it....
My main man Davey, a thrill-seeking, media-whore, glamour-boy, attention-junkie, spotlight kid, strutted up to the mic, callously forcing his way through the gathering crowd of admirers and groupies, knocking food and drinks flying in his wake. The act that was due up next were taking their spots on the makeshift stage but Davey Tilt, high on greasepaint and Premium gasoline, jacked up on salsa and buzzing from the Jalapenos he'd swallowed minutes earlier was in no mood for a discussion. He commandeered a guitar and amde some young girls cry before launching into his first song.
I can't remember what his first song was, but it was good. No, it was his second song of the night was the crowd-pleaser. Yes, Davey Tilt's rendition of the Cher classic 'Believe' had the audience weeping in the aisles, tearing off their underwear and prostrating themselves before his greatness. No-one even heard the third song of the set, so loud was the screaming, which persisted for hours, long after Davey had left the stage, dragging a coach party of convent school girls off to perform degrading sex acts and satisfy his lustful, perverted, sexual needs.
Or, at least, that's how I remember it....
The Gig
Lower Class Brats, The Skeptix, Street Brats, Nuclear Fishstix, Bent Gents.
Not a bad line up of talent and it turned out to be a pretty decent show, all in all.
The sizable crowd was lively and enthusiastic, enjoying all of the bands to some degree or other.
Skeptix went down well and showed no signs of being shitfaced, exhausted, and emotional, for once. Street Brats are always good, but it was the Lower Class Brats who were the best on the night, this being a local show for them, Bones being an Austin resident. They are known here and it showed. Their set was interesting, to say the least and Bones' had an extra 'tool' in his armory tonight, a huge dildo, which he gleefully waved around all night.
Not a bad line up of talent and it turned out to be a pretty decent show, all in all.
The sizable crowd was lively and enthusiastic, enjoying all of the bands to some degree or other.
Skeptix went down well and showed no signs of being shitfaced, exhausted, and emotional, for once. Street Brats are always good, but it was the Lower Class Brats who were the best on the night, this being a local show for them, Bones being an Austin resident. They are known here and it showed. Their set was interesting, to say the least and Bones' had an extra 'tool' in his armory tonight, a huge dildo, which he gleefully waved around all night.
Party Time
Bones and Davey
The, by now, obligatory after-gig party took place at the apartment of Debi, one of the Skeptix merch distributor and supplier (DIRT CHEAP DISTRO).
I passed away the hot humid night, sat outside drinking Lone Star and talking with the flatmate Mark, a 19 year old Latino, and a Panamanian neighbour who spoke Japanese and harboured a keen interest in travelling to Europe. We nattered for hours about all manner of things as I was interested in learning about Texan/Latino culture and they wanted to know all about England and all things European. Cockroaches were much more numerous here and many died. I saw one that looked like Elton John and took great pleasure in crushing him under my foot.
We eventually went inside to the glorious AC controlled apartment at about 4AM. Chig (surprise, surprise) was asleep. So we woke him up to check he was still alive. Greg was also asleep, so we squirted hand lotion on his face and placed a grubby-fied condom on his head. Then I arranged the coffee table so that his legs were entangled in it. Loaky was stretched out on a sofa. He“wore” his trainers on his head. Snotty had commandeered the reclining chair, but had his crippled leg draped over the edge. I took off his shoes, reclined his chair and tucked him in for the night. Ush was cuddled up to Greg's dog. One of them was twitching, I can't remember which.
Davey, it turned out had found some beer. It seemed like a crime to waste it and it would likely go off if we didn't drink it. I think I dozed off about six or seven...
I passed away the hot humid night, sat outside drinking Lone Star and talking with the flatmate Mark, a 19 year old Latino, and a Panamanian neighbour who spoke Japanese and harboured a keen interest in travelling to Europe. We nattered for hours about all manner of things as I was interested in learning about Texan/Latino culture and they wanted to know all about England and all things European. Cockroaches were much more numerous here and many died. I saw one that looked like Elton John and took great pleasure in crushing him under my foot.
We eventually went inside to the glorious AC controlled apartment at about 4AM. Chig (surprise, surprise) was asleep. So we woke him up to check he was still alive. Greg was also asleep, so we squirted hand lotion on his face and placed a grubby-fied condom on his head. Then I arranged the coffee table so that his legs were entangled in it. Loaky was stretched out on a sofa. He“wore” his trainers on his head. Snotty had commandeered the reclining chair, but had his crippled leg draped over the edge. I took off his shoes, reclined his chair and tucked him in for the night. Ush was cuddled up to Greg's dog. One of them was twitching, I can't remember which.
Davey, it turned out had found some beer. It seemed like a crime to waste it and it would likely go off if we didn't drink it. I think I dozed off about six or seven...
San Antonio: Take Two
I woke everyone at 11AM.
For some reason, Greg was not a happy bunny. We blamed Ush.
We showered, shaved and headed out toDirt Cheap Distro’s premises in San Antonio. Check out the website because if you like the US punk scene, DCD has plenty to offer.
We left Mark behind to fabricate Skeptix buttons, which they would then bring along to that night’s Austin TX gig. Now, that's what I call service!
For some reason, Greg was not a happy bunny. We blamed Ush.
We showered, shaved and headed out toDirt Cheap Distro’s premises in San Antonio. Check out the website because if you like the US punk scene, DCD has plenty to offer.
We left Mark behind to fabricate Skeptix buttons, which they would then bring along to that night’s Austin TX gig. Now, that's what I call service!
A Mexican Breakfast
After the brief visit to the funky little boutique étrange that is Dirt Cheap Distro, we all had a bad case of the munchies. Debi suggested we visit her friend, Aheia’s, restaurant for lunch.
A brief look at the menu and practically a whole bowl of nachos with very hot salsa dip, and I fancied bacon and bean tacos. They were absolutely delicious.
I'd really taken to the idea of eating Mexican food for breakfast, especially tacos and burritos; they are so filling and tasty. You expect the spicy stuff to give you wind all day, but it doesn't. I can't explain it, but I didn't have indigestion once. I'm sure you all wanted to know that.
A brief look at the menu and practically a whole bowl of nachos with very hot salsa dip, and I fancied bacon and bean tacos. They were absolutely delicious.
I'd really taken to the idea of eating Mexican food for breakfast, especially tacos and burritos; they are so filling and tasty. You expect the spicy stuff to give you wind all day, but it doesn't. I can't explain it, but I didn't have indigestion once. I'm sure you all wanted to know that.
The Alamo
Bum on a bench!
A brief journey into San Antonio and a look around the Alamo left us completely underwhelmed by what is essentially a hovel in a heatbox. I can easily see why Ozzy Osbourne took a leak up it. It looks like any other old wall you've ever seen. In fact, unless someone points it out to you, you would walk right past it and never know you had.
What happened there, you ask? Something to do with John Wayne? No. On February 23rd 1836, two and a half thousand Mexicans kicked the Yankee’s asses. They seized The Alamo, executing Jim Bowie (David's dad), William Travis (Randy's dad) and Davy Crockett (of Miami Vice fame); the latter for crimes against fashion.
Why anyone would want to fight over such a stiflingly hot patch of nothing, in the middle of nothing, remains is a mystery. The heat on the days we were in San Antonio was easily into the 100ºs. Doesn't sound too bad, does it? It wouldn't be if you were in the desert, but here in Texas, it is so humid that the heat feels much more oppressive. It makes you sweat like a bastard, constantly and relentlessly, even in the night, sucking the very life from you. And don't get me started on the cockroaches and mosquitoes!
One more thing? Davy Crockett. Why the furry hat Davy? It's always hot here. Why do you need a hairy noggin warmer with a tail? Tosser!
What happened there, you ask? Something to do with John Wayne? No. On February 23rd 1836, two and a half thousand Mexicans kicked the Yankee’s asses. They seized The Alamo, executing Jim Bowie (David's dad), William Travis (Randy's dad) and Davy Crockett (of Miami Vice fame); the latter for crimes against fashion.
Why anyone would want to fight over such a stiflingly hot patch of nothing, in the middle of nothing, remains is a mystery. The heat on the days we were in San Antonio was easily into the 100ºs. Doesn't sound too bad, does it? It wouldn't be if you were in the desert, but here in Texas, it is so humid that the heat feels much more oppressive. It makes you sweat like a bastard, constantly and relentlessly, even in the night, sucking the very life from you. And don't get me started on the cockroaches and mosquitoes!
One more thing? Davy Crockett. Why the furry hat Davy? It's always hot here. Why do you need a hairy noggin warmer with a tail? Tosser!
COPS
We began our journey to Austin and attempted get the AC working. However, this caused the van to start spluttering and stall. Once again, we were broken down in the heat. Fortunately, we found shade in the car park of a Denny’s, which, as it turned out, seemed to be a meeting place for the local constabulary.
They very kindly allowed us to take pics with assorted Skeptix in the back of their cruiser. The van eventually fired up and we headed towards Austin.
Click here for the next bit
They very kindly allowed us to take pics with assorted Skeptix in the back of their cruiser. The van eventually fired up and we headed towards Austin.
Click here for the next bit